~~My Daily Walk~~

Daylight comes daylight goes

Another day is gone.

Why must I feel the same today
Why must I hang on?

Shadows lurking all around  
Who is it I so fear?
Do I run or do I stay
Is someone really here?

I look right I look left
I contemplate on hiding
Do I have time to scream
Cause I'm so tired of crying.

Crying deep inside myself
Crying when no one sees.
Crying cause myself I don't know
Crying cause I'm just not me.

The truth no one can handle
The world doesn't understand.
The mind games we must endure
They just can't comprehend.

But I continue walking on
And tomorrow I'll begin again.
Because I refuse to give up
I refuse to let my demons win.



I have several friends that for many different reasons are all dealing with mental problems. I wrote this poem many years ago and just wanted to post it. Most people have dealt with some form of depression, sadness or severe stress sometime in their life. It leaves you breathless and unable to move forward. I posted this because even though things can get real bad you have to refuse to give up and refuse to let this be your end. Life is so much more than how we feel we are defined at times. 

Life is good but there is nothing wrong with wanting it to be better!!!!!!!!

...........Until Tomorrow....................................................................

000 Cardboard & Duct tape 000

Who needs a "Handyman" when you have a mother like mine. I'd like to introduce to you all Mrs Cardboard & Duct tape Queen!! My mother knows every in and out to fixing something if it happens to fall apart. Well of course when money is tight I understand things either go broken or you learn to compromise on the actual look of the repair; but cardboard? duct tape? Yes indeedy my mother should have bought stock in those two items 30 years ago because she has definitely been one to soar that stock market. I'm impressed each time I watch this lady work on a repair, her details, her measurements her precise laying of the duct tape at an angle. Sounds crazy but you ought to see it.

Heres an example of one of her projects:

I remember discussing an issue with my mother about the kids playing with play dough. Now I'm a mother all for kids developmental learning activities and play but I'm also a mother that wants to clean up the mess once my child is finished. So I was telling my mother I wanted to buy a play mate for when my kids want to play paint or play dough, as I was visiting with her one day with the kids. Well Ohhhh Myyyy was that the wrong thing to say cause out of one of the 30 tubs of yard sale goodies, freebies and items people have given her or she had purchased she exclaims "I've got just the thing". She pulls out sticky wall paper, her infamous cardboard and duct tape. All the while I'm sitting here thinking "Seriously mom, seriously". First she fights with this large refrigerator box (looking at though shes a fighter for the WCW) cutting out the perfect size for the mat. She then measures the sticky wall paper to fit perfectly over this cardboard and flips it over duct taping the excess to the back for a better hold. All in about 30 minutes she has this perfect play activity mat for the kids and says "Waaallllaaa!!" I had to agree it was pretty cool. But theres more to this addiction of these two products for Mrs Queen herself. Because throughout my 30 years I've watched my mother fix windows, floors, shoes, a leaky faucet, clothes and many many other items. Never mention to my mother that something is broke because she will find a way to fix it with cardboard and duct tape. I did however call my mother one day and say "Hey mom, I have a flat tire." haha There was no reply.....

My mother is a lady of great stories, wonderful writings and a gift of making others feel better with just a listening ear and perfect words of wisdom. A woman that has conquered heartache and successfully provided a loving environment for her kids to grow up in. There is nothing in this world that my mother would not try to fix if I asked her too; even if it meant without her prized cardboard and duct tape.

                    ......Until Tomorrow........................

                                              

\\\\To Love////

Love. I once wrote a poem that had a line in it that said:

"Love is like a gold nuggest sparkling beneath the soil; gently you remove the dirt from its surface and eternally help it to mature"

Love is just as I describe, its a transformation of a livetime if you find true love. You have to work with your partner and remove all baggage and hurt that one or the other may be carrying; but gently. Its such a wonderful feeling to be wrapped in the warmth of love, caring, understanding and honesty. My life has had many ups and downs yet here I am still pushing forward. Have I ever given up on life, well of course. Given up on love? Yes indeedy I have. I've given up on just about everything besides my kids because without me they have no mom; without them I'd die.

I read many articles on love, I read many blogs on love and several books. The television broadcasts shows about love, movies make millions a year about love stories but each of us view love in a different way. Hey we all would love to have that fairy tale life where a man/woman appears out of nowhere sweeps you off your feet and you live happily ever after but that doesnt happen to us all.

I myself have figured out that love needs action. Love cant stand alone; its the "Honey Im glad your home", "Let me help you with that", the cold footsies under the covers, the small peck of a kiss on the cheek, the helping put dishes away after supper, the remembering we were out of milk so you bought it on the way home from work. The littlest of ways to show someone you care means so much and expresses love. The hightlight of my day is: First, I pick up my youngest son and get hugs and kisses. Second, I arrive home and receive a hug and kiss from my oldest son (sometimes it kills him but I get one..haha), Third, my boyfriend arrives home and I greet him at the door with a hug and kiss. My day is complete. The bills may lay unpaid at times, the cabinets may not be as stocked with food and I may not live in a showcase decorated home but I have so much more; Love.

My life was not embraced with the best of things. We usually had most of what we needed but very seldom did we get our wants. Our lives were enriched with playing in the dirt, running back and forth down hillsides smelling of freshly cut grass, swimming in ponds (no telling what was in them), coloring on sidewalks with crayons, catching grasshoppers and having jump races and snuggling up on the couch with my mom to sing ABC's. But I smiled, I laughed, I giggled, I made memories and I loved and knew I was loved.

So in teaching my boys the same concept of life that their grandmother (my mom) taught me I instill in them the love between family. The closeness, the bond that should link you together as one unit. I have been fortunate enough to give to my boys a lil more than my mother was capable of giving to me. But at the end of the day my boys never go to bed without a kiss, and an I love you.

"Dont let love pass you by"

                                                                                     .....................Until Tomorrow........

(((((Blog Title Change)))))

Why the change?
Well I like to end every post with Until Tomorrow. Here's the story behind the phrase. I've always hated saying bye. I mean come on, if you put too much thought behind it (like I do) then no one would really enjoy saying it. So that is where my phrase Until Tomorrow began. And yes maybe tomorrow will not come but I'm not one who wants to say goodbye in general, so Until Tomorrow just fits who I am and what I believe.
My thoughts never cease, my brain doesn't sleep; its like a constant movie projector throwing stories, sayings, phrases and quotes at me nonstop. So Until Tomorrow just fits who I am and describes my life.
As if you were to say "I may have to go now but just Until Tomorrow." Which if you think about it it's kinda funny because tomorrow never comes; because in an instant tomorrow becomes today all over again. Funny how two little words can bring on such a big meaning. 
I was just talking to my mom on the phone. Actually updating her on the blog and the -all of a sudden- feeling I had to change our blog name and she gave a big "Ohhhhhhh" which I knew meant she approved.
"What a Life" is where it all started and "Until Tomorrow" is what its all about. Tomorrow gives to us endless possibilities to choose from. We all come from different backgrounds, maybe childhood struggles or learning disabilities the list is endless. Yet we each need to take ahold of our own life, find self gratification and move forward to achieving what we know we can.

..........Until Tomorrow.......  

Why Blog???

I'm interested to know why each of you started blogging. If you don't mind to drop me a few lines detailing why....
Thanks!!!!!!

             .............Until Tomorrow.....

*Meaningful*

Meaningful?
Did you have a meaningful conversation with someone?
Was your job meaningful to you today?
Did you drive home thinking, "Is what I'm doing meaningful to my family?"
Is our lives really meaningful to anyone but ourselves?

Well I would definitely hope so. We all have regrets and would love a chance to "redo" maybe only one thing in our past; but it is not possible.
I know as a child I would mimic the actions of my loving grandmother. I so dearly loved crawling my lil legs up into a chair to help her cook. I'd yell, "I can do it, let me do it, I can stir dat" as my grandmothers walls became a beautiful new color of chocolate cake sludge. Ohhh those were the days. Summer afternoons were spent sitting on the front porch with a wonderful cold glass of brewed tea while patiently waiting for the sun to set so we could catch lightning bugs. I can so vividly remember the neon blinking lights coming from a mason jar in my bedroom. (with holes cut in the top) The early morning smell of biscuits and gravy being cooked. The aroma of my papaws instant coffee sifting through the house which seemed to just crawl up my nose. I'd take off running for the kitchen knowing mamaw and papaw was gonna spoil me rotten. With my eyes wide open and my belly growling well it was a feast fit for any royalty. Making memories and feeling so loved. 
Meaningful? I will have to say yes every moment, every second spent with loving grandparents was very meaningful. I look back now and even the pat on the back from my papaw; the cute lil apron my mamaw sewed just for me to look like her, the smallest of a peck on the nose, to the grandest of the "missing you" hugs have all been meaningful. There are many beautiful meaningful moments I had as a child; which I will never forget. What I wouldn't give for one of them big ol hugs right now, one of them wet nose kisses, or the aroma of instant coffee filtering up my nose. 
I'm so thankful for meaningful memories; and grandparents who took time to build them. 
For without memories I'd be lonely.

             ...........Until Tomorrow................

J U S T R E A D I N G . . . . .

I was reading through a few blogs and found (in general) most people tend to write about life experiences or atleast revert to them in some way during their posting.

I also found a lot of people have had either a horrible upbringing or a rocky relationship or just bad occurrences thus far in their life.

I found several humorous blogs that were intelligently comical, crude comical and some that well made me want to blush once I got to the punch-line..haha


I also found a few political blogs but I'm not one thats up-to-date on anything written about government issues so I wouldn't know if what was being said is truth or false but yet the blogs were interesting to me.

I ran across a couple blogs pertaining to the fashion industry. Reading through day to day adventures of how some beautiful model had finally made it.

I read through many blogs about cooking, preparing and entertaining with food. Exciting to see how a small potato can be transformed into many other things besides mashed, fried or baked. Very intriguing.

And many, many, many more that I'm sure I just haven't came across.

I haven't been blogging very long but it's pure pleasure for myself to read through these blogs almost as if I'm peeking into someones diary for only a moment. I myself have kept a diary my entire life. Just as I have stated ~we all have a story~ well so do I. I will not go into intimate detail but I will say I was abused as a child. I would often times play out things in my head; I would fantasize about this wonderful life that I'd love to escape too. These thoughts, protected within my mind, were the only entity in my life that could not be taken away. I felt as though I had no control over any other part of my life but my thoughts and no one could touch them. I began slowly transferring these pattern repeated happenings within my mind to paper -slowly I noticed I was creating a diary of my daily experiences wrapped with past events as well. This diary (so to speak) was my release. My release of anger, my release of hate, my release of tears, my release of unforgiveness and eventually my release of life. I myself not even a teenager at the time was able to release everything on to a blank piece of paper and it was wonderful. A notebook became my new best friend. No one to judge me, no one to laugh at me, no one to tell me I was wrong, no one to criticize my writing -because it was all mine. And now as an adult I have many notebooks filled with all emotions stored away that no one still has never read. My mother knows just about everything I've written in them of course because I did turn to her a lot. But reading through all the blogs I've read within the last few weeks I feel almost privileged to have read those. Maybe it's nonsense that I feel this way but for me my words have been my survival manual, when no one else was there or when I didn't want anyone there. It's just amazing for me to walk into someones life through words for just a short time, a small visit; a detailed look at how someone felt that day, what they experienced, what they have to look forward too.


"It's just a blog", some will say; well for me it's an invitation to friendship and it's been enjoyable so far.


........Until Tomorrow..........   

~~Hot and Miserable~~

Well not sure if any of you have been bothered as much with the heat as I; but wow what a wake up call showing us all that dear old mother nature can still pour out a scorcher. I not only have been dealing with severe boughts of heat index but also a pulled shoulder muscle. I actually haven't missed work but can't say I haven't shed a few tears and wiped them away quickly while at work. Will probably have to go to the doctor soon if this doesn't clear up. It's been a week since I've posted so the only thing I have to post to catch you up is work, pain medicine, sleep, work, pain medicine, sleep... haha I'm sure you get the picture. 
  
My children have attended our county fair, well YeeeeHawww let me tell you. All the wonderful rides, good country people so politely smiling as we pass by; Yea Right!!! It's actually very sad attending the fair and bringing along my boyfriend for this night of pleasure and becoming disappointed. Is it because I viewed it differently as a child? Or has it became smaller as the years have went by? We pay good money for a fun filled evening of enjoyment as I realize just for my lil boy to throw 3 darts and TRY to hit a balloon its $5.00,,,I mean seriously! Come on, it's suppose to be for the kids anyways, isn't there a cheaper price for the lil ones? And one of my favorite games for the lil kids is the pick a duck booth -you know that game pick a duck out of the pond, the number on the bottom wins you a prize- well it's gone!!!! They did not have it this year. A night of disappointment let me tell ya; as my lil boy is screaming and waving from a ride he was on. (Yea I see the disappointment all over his face...haha) Of course the kids are going to enjoy whatever is there for them to absorb but they just don't know what their missing, I know all the good things they use to have dang it!!!! lol


As the night ended and they had rode every ride there was to offer, played many expensive booth games and left with blinking swords, bat man blow up action toys, glow in the dark necklaces, funnel cakes, cotton candy, carmel apples. My boyfriend and I left with two sleepy sleepy boys; we knew what we had set out to do had been accomplished. When we finally reached our vehicle and all climbed aboard we had two snoring boys before we left town.


It was Hot and I was miserable from a painful shoulder but as I have repeated we made memories and nothing is better than that!!!!

............................Until Tomorrow.......................................................................

Alone Time!!!!!!

Well my kids left friday to go on vacation with my parents. I can not tell a lie so all I can say is WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO alone time is here!!! My boyfriend and I have this wonderful weekend planned together. Our alone time together is way overdue so we are ready. All day friday I could not wait to get off work, drive home and begin this fantastic weekend. I'll just go ahead and ruin this story for ya because it did not work out the way we had planned AT ALL!!! lol

I called my kids when I got off work and made sure they were okay; safely made it to their destination. Then I called my boyfriend as I was heading home. When I walked through the front door I was embraced by my children's shoes thrown around in the laundry room so I sighed as I stepped over them. I recollected myself and went to the fridge to grab me a drink and saw my lil boys fruit sippies so I sighed. Ok I told myself I'll go get ready to go out tonight. My boyfriend was in our bathroom getting ready so I grabbed a quick kiss and went to my closet to get clothes and there in my laundry basket was my kids clothes. Ok this is a lil strange but I had the urge to sniff their shirts...haha I know, I know what is wrong with me??? So much for wanting alone time, sighhhh.

Eventually my boyfriend and I were both ready and out the door we went where again I was overtaken by the yard full of my kids toys. I wanted so badly to hug my older sons basketball goal, swing on my youngest sons swing set and now I'm wondering if maybe my boyfriend would be okay with us driving to Tennessee today so I could hug and kiss my kids. But anyways as I inch myself into my boyfriends truck I'm trying so hard not to cry and wondering if I'll ever be capable of getting through one weekend without my kiddos. I sit here knowing Sunday will be here before we know it and chaos shall return to my home once again. Now it's manageable chaos I have to admit but yet at the same time it's miss able chaos because I'm a nervous wreck with them gone. Yet again I tell self your a great mother, thats what makes you who you are; my children define me. In a world with such devastation and unsettling issues that impact us all on a daily basis it's nice to be able to stare into these 4 lil eyes that look back at me with the ability to melt me of course, but more than that they look at me with security and understand I love them more than anything else in this world. It's them "knowing" I'm here whenever needed and always will be. And in time I shall be able to let go and let them grow into two wonderful men; Noooo I will never let go but will learn to let them grow a lil bit on their own. *smile*

Ok so back to my wonderful weekend with my boyfriend. Well that never happened because he came down with the stomach flu friday night after we got home from eating out and has been in bed all weekend. I myself pulled a muscle in my shoulder and have been living on a heating pad. Sooo WoooooooooooHooooooooo Alone Time Weekend!!!!!!!!!!! haha My boyfriend finally ate something tonight after eating nothing all day. While he was sitting on the couch he looked at me and laughed while saying "Well arent we just a pair of excitement." And as I sat here in my chair wrapped up with a heating pad and pillow on my shoulder all I could say was "Well I hope the kids had fun". haha 
So we decided to never make plans, just go with the flow because we learned the hard way about being excited about upcoming Alone Time!!!!!
My kiddos will be arriving home tomorrow around 5pm and my home will be restored with fantastic chaos which is just fine with me.

...........................................................................Until Tomorrow.........

Another Day Gone

What has today given to you?


Were you awaken by the sun peeking through your window and happy to feel the warmth seeping into the room? Were you greeted with breakfast in bed and showered with much love? Were you surprised when your hair completely went into place and your clothes fit just right? Were you excited when you got into your vehicle and it started? Were you blown away when someone asked you out to dinner? Were you appreciative when your boss noticed your accomplishments? Were you given back money that earlier you had dropped? Were you offered to join in with your thoughts during a lunch break? Were you told how much your loved and needed?


Were you??


I would be interested in knowing how everyone answered these questions. Because some people are not so quick to reply due to their answers simply being "No". How often do we think of what others are going through? How often do we take things for granted? How often do we not do what we know we should? How often do we not only let others down, but ourselves as well? How often do we pay compliments to those in need?


How often??


My mother and I were actually talking about the hard times we had been through. My mother was also a single parent raising two children and nothing was easy then just as it isn't now. Like I stated in my profile "We all have a story", yet sometimes it only takes a smile to brighten someones day. Just a "Thank you", for holding a door open, or maybe even a "Ohhh how I like that jacket". I am not trying to create a KINDNESS day or BE KIND TO ALL connection to the world; although those things are wonderful. I'm saying whats wrong with being respectful and if you get a chance then make someone smile, make them feel worthy to be here. I'm guilty of being so fast paced with spending time with family, cooking, cleaning, sports games/practices, shopping and writing that I to have failed at being more in tune with those around me in need.


Just a tid bit of a rant my mother and I was on today...


....Until Tomorrow......................  

Just a fun fact

My mother and I are best friends, as I have stated, so we do alot of things together. We love going to yard sales, flea markets, lil thrift stores and finding (what we believe to be) the prize of the day. Well along with our shopping spree bonanza we possess a special connection, so to speak, with one another. We know what the other is thinking, feeling and wanting to say by just one action. I would have to say we have perfected this superpower gift we have been given which remains pretty much invisible to those around us. As mother and daughter we have an unbelievable eye stare. So what is this eye stare you ask? Well let me introduce you to some never publicly told before encounters of a two pair duo making their mark on this world.
Have you ever been in a grocery line holding only a bottle of ketchup while the person in front of you shopped as though they were just introduced to food? My mother and I stand there patiently hoping this wonderful, delightful lady will motion us to go before her since we have one item. An eye stare is exchanged between my mother and I. It's the eyebrows raised, eyeballs roll to one side kinda look which says, "Ohhh please nice lady let us go, we only have ketchup". But wouldn't you know it, the lady does not care we are behind her and begins her long journey of unloading her food cart onto the conveyor belt of pricing. I then eye stare my mother back with my eyes wide open and this time they are saying, "I have never in my life, I can not believe this lady!!!" 
It's the exchange of conversation between mother and I yet we never have to say a word. It comes in very handy and keeps us from having to whisper in tight spots when your just dying to say something. I know we've all been there stuck in a moment of eternity when your just about to lose it yet you don't.
I remember another encounter, as I stroll down memory lane, of my mother defending her grandson. Well before I begin this story let me just say you never come between a grandma and her grand baby. (haha) My son was looking at a toy and yes we were at a thrift store. My son had not even picked up the toy but my mother seen him looking at it and responded with "Baby you want mamaw to buy you that toy?" Of course my son responds "Yes." My mother then picks up the toy overlooking it and tells my son it's broke to look for something else. We continue our thrift shopping; spending a whole twenty dollars total between us and head out the door. The owner of this establishment runs out to my car as I'm starting my engine and pecks on my mothers window. He's yelling something we could not understand due to the air conditioner being on. Before my mother rolls down her window she looks at me with the defensive eye stare. This one is a bit different because it's like a mother bear protecting her young and I don't know about you but I wouldn't mess with a momma bear. Her eyes were so wide that involuntarily her eyelids were flexing up and down. I stared back at her yet fearing for this man as she rolled the window down. He yells, "Your kid broke this toy and you all have to buy it!!!!" My mother yells, "That KID is my GRANDSON and it was already broken or I would have bought it!!!" He says, "Well if neither of you will pay for it then I'll just have to ban you from my store!!!" My mother says, "Fine!!" Then we drove off. Well not a word was said as we drove down the road a few miles until I stated "Well you gave him eye stare didn't you??" As we both laughed. And even today we get tickled when telling people we were thrown out of a thrift store.
It's funny how I notice many people around the world using the eye stare on their children. You know you've seen it. A child is acting up and you see the parent give them the "If you don't stop look I'm taking you to the bathroom" kinda stare. The child usually doesn't care, or will shout "Stop looking at me like that" so loudly, that now everyone is looking at the parent just to view this look the child is screaming about.
My mother and I have stories upon stories of eye stare quests we have shared. It's a fun lil tradition for us to share our adventurous stories with our family of fun 'eye stare' outings. We all get a giggle out of hearing them even if it's stories we've shared before.  After many years of perfecting our social unspoken connection with each other we have captured many memories of laughter, joy, tears and smiles that no one can ever erase. It's all been out of fun and something only my mother and I share which makes it priceless. We take each moment we spend together and make it meaningful because life is too short.
But I have to end this by saying there is one disadvantage to the infamous "eye stare". During my adolescent years I had the master of eye stares as a mother and she ALWAYS knew what I was thinking. ~~~Smile~~~


..........Until Tomorrow...................

Family Time!!

Well it's Fourth of July and there are many special events to be shared with children. My kids are wonderful, good, well mannered and I soooooo enjoy spending these moments with them. (Hmmmmmm) Ok let me begin this again. It's extremely HOT outside, my children are running around like wild animals arguing, my boyfriend and I are trying to get the vehicle loaded for this fun filled evening and I'm trying to calm myself by thinking "We are making memories!!!" We set off to take the kids (two boys) shopping because they are going on vacation with my parents next weekend. While in the vehicle the obsessive -eye stare- game war begins. Both boys yelling "He's looking at me", completely makes me wish it was next weekend already. (sighhh) Finally arriving at the mall we take the boys to fetch all the necessities they will be needing for their adventure with mamaw and papaw. But again, I repeat, we are in the mall where among the things on a list we need there are those childhood have to have wants. Leaving me stranded within the realm of temper tantrum toddler takeover until my boyfriend says "We are going to the vehicle, you finish up". My oldest son stays with me and we finish gathering what the boys must have for their trip. As we were going down the next isle I see my boyfriend coming towards me with my red faced broken hearted lil man who walks up to me and says "I'm sorry mom". Well I of course would never tell my lil man this but just looking at his sad lil face was already tugging at my heart. So we continue what seems to be an unending shopping spree and head out the door. We get just cozy enough in the vehicle and oddly enough it's quiet until it's time to get out again. We are purchasing some fireworks for the lil ones to do while we are at the community get together where fireworks are set off safely and very exciting for the kids to watch. As night time approaches and you look around this huge park there are hundreds upon hundreds of families that have brought their kids to this occasion. I myself remember the anticipation as a child knowing Fourth of July was close and we would all be gathering to wake up this small town for one night. Tonight I look around seeing all these little neon light glow sticks (which now can be bought to wear as necklaces, bracelets, wands etc etc) running up and down the hillsides. Ohhhh what a wonderful sound to hear the laughter of little children and the OOOOOO's and AAAAAAHHHH's when the fireworks light up the sky.

What is living?

My mother and I were talking today about living. Living is ultimately what brings each of us to our feet each morning. But within the reality of living, what brings us to our feet? Is it our kids? Is it our mate? Is it a job? What is it enabling each of us to rise up each day and make a mark on this world? Do we live up to the definition of living, or have we each brought forth a new meaning to the word and created our own action? My mother stated that wealth she's never had in terms of money but she is as wealthy as they come where love is concerned. I would have to agree because there is alot of love in our family. But now back to our main focus -living. Does one of us do it right leaving the rest of us in the wrong? Is there a perfect plan that some of us fail to adhere to? I guess I would have to believe within us all there is a spot that giggles with laughter, jumps with joy and smiles continuously when we have conquered true living. Living doesn't come to us single handed; it brings with it great experiences and years of memories to capture. With living comes learning and within time you shall be the one teaching. Teaching what life has given to you to future generations. Hmmmm the term "circle of life" seems to be coming to mind.
  
Until tomorrow.......